I wrote to Jonette Crowley (the author of Soul Body Fusion and my beloved teacher) when I was in a complete dispair. My insomnia problems and anxiety attacts had reinforced. It was May 2017. There were nights that I couldn't sleep at all. And you can imagine how I felt after three sleepless nights in a row... I felt hopeless and sick. I always had difficulties in falling asleep. I remember that it used to happen to me when I was a little child. I was very sensitive and when I felt fear it disturbed my sleep. But it never was so severe.
It all started when I was leading my Soul Body Fusion workshop in Malta in November 2016. During one of the meditations that we did on the clifs my beloved friend told me that she would like to drop her body and enter the energetic portal she felt very much in this place. She said that she saw an exit point for herself and was considering to choose it. I was really scared that she might jump of the clif so I spoke to her gently and took her from there. I thought that the danger was over. I was wrong. The same evening my friend ate nuts that she was very allergic to. She started to swell and suffocate. It was 11 pm, we where on the little island of Gozo, I didn't have any contact to the doctor and the nearest hospital was in Malta. So I took her immediately to the workshop room near the altar. I thought that maybe the energy near the altar was higher and would help us to cure her. I asked another participant to help me. We started to do Soul Body Fusion on her. I was surprised how awaken I was. I knew exactly what I should do. I channeled some words I don't even remember. At one point it was really serious because I saw her soul leaving her body... I didn't stop doing fusions. I knew that there must be something that will help her to come back. Suddenly as an insight I remembered the name of her beloved partner. I told her that he really needed her here. She didn't complete her mission yet. Then she said "OK I decide to stay". Then I saw that her soul started to come back. All the syptoms of the allergy vanished... and she felt asleep. She was OK the next day.
When I came back to Poland after this trip I got very sick. When I thought about all of that what happened in Malta I felt a lot of fear. What if I lost her? What if she really jumped the clif? On my workshop! Maybe I shoudn't lead these workshops? It's too dangerous to deal with all these energies... Because of all these scary thoughts I coudn't sleep. All my fears came to me. Fear of death, fear of live, fear of my power (did I help her to heal? of was it just a coincidance?), fear of what we are capable to do when we are fully connected to the Source, fear of energies... etc. My insomnia started to bother me so much that I tried to cure it with different methods.
I tried everything I knew: bioenergotherapy, psychoteraphy, recall healing, different kinds of massages, MA-URI session, SCIO based on quantum phisics, energetic and informative medicine, different kind of herbs, ayurveda, diet supplements, family constellation according to Bert Hellinger, homeopathy and of course Soul Body Fusion. I forgave my parents and tried to forgive myself. I practiced yoga and meditation, chanted sacred mantras. I spent a ot of money for that. All of that helped for a little while but then anxiety used to come back and insomnia as well. At the end I took some chemical pills for sleeping which occured to be highly addictive. I really felt that reached the bottom.
Finally I went to the insomnia clinic in Warsaw because I was suffering a lot. The diagnosis of the psychiatrist was depression with anxiety attacts. He prescribed me the antidepressants. After this consultation I cried. Me, the psychologist, Soul Body Fusion teacher, diet coach coudn't help myself! I criticized myself which made the things even worse... I felt not only fear but also anger towards myself. I was angry with my body that it coudn't sleep, that it was sensititve and detected all the sounds, all the energies around me. My mind went crazy. It tried to unserdstand what was going on but actually it coudn't. It produced more and more thoughts which were useless. It analized, tried to find a solution - but it only caused more anxiety. I didn't know then that what happened to me was beyond mind. I decided not to take the antidepressants. I called Jonette.
During the skype session with Jonette we went to the pre-werbal, pre-mental state of consciousness where there were no thoughts. At the begging it was quite diffucult for me to enter this state beause my mind was very active at that time. Jonette told me to connect to her field. I did it and finally I reached this state of no words, no mind. I felt relaxed and safe. I felt pure love, the essence of who I really am. I realised that it was my mind who created all this suffering. Deep inside me, in my heart, I felt that everything was perfect as it was. There was nothing to be fixed, I wasn't sick. The only medicament for my insomnia and anxiety was LOVE. To love my sensitivity, to love my body fully as it was, to love my work and continue my mission on Earth. Jonette told me that nowadays a lot of Light is coming down into our bodies and we might feel the turbulences. Yes, that day in Malta I received a lot of Light into my body. I felt different and it scared me. But there was nothing to be afraid of... It was just the Light of my Soul. And my body needed some time to adjust to the new frequency. If I allowed it the process would be more gentle and smooth.
After this session it took me a little while to understand or rather feel what happened. I slept a little better but still kept taking some herbs or homeopathy for better sleep. Anxiety has reduced significantly. Then I read a book of Anita Moorjani "Dying to be me" where she described her Near Death Experience. Then I realised that I experienced very similar state to NDE by going to this pre-werbal, pre-mental state during the session with Jonette. The state of no thoughts but pure LOVE. And I remembered that I was already there during my mistical journey that I had in the age of 20 when I was at the silence retreat in Taize, France. During one of the preyers I went to a higher state of consciousness where I felt one with all the people on the planet, with all the nature and even with God. I felt pure, unconditioned love to myself, to others, to everything. I met God face to face in the energetical body of Jesus and heard the words "Follow the path of Love". What was meaningful and what Anita Moorjani describes in her NDE, meeting with this pure Light which I concidered God was more real that anything I experienced on Earth. I just felt this Love in every cell of my body. I expanded more and more. At the same time I was in my body and beyond it. There was no fear but just Love. And when I went to this state this time again I knew that I was already healed. I knew that from my heart, not from my mind.
I sleep better now. I still take me a little while to fall asleep but I treat myself gently now and I'm more patient. I love my body which my soul chose to incarnate into. I enjoy my sensititvity. I slowed down, I enjoy life more. I started to explore tantra which teaches about sacred sexuality and that we all are Gods and Goddesses (Shivas and Shaktis). I enjoy touch, cuddling with my friends, listening to music, looking at sunsets, smelling the flowers, travelling to beautiful places and sharing what I experienced with others. I trust that the life brings me everything I need to complete my mission here on Earth.
I strongly believe that everyone of us is capable of healing. All the terapies or healing methods are good but if we lack this fundamental igredient which is LOVE OF OURSELVES they will not cure us. If we experience any kind of disease or accident it is the message of our soul to us. And we need to find an anser in ouverselves. If we look for it outside then we may look for ages. Everything what happens to us is neither good nor bad it's just one energy in different forms. If we are connected to the Source and choose love instead of fear then we heal quickly. Anita Moorjani in her book wrote that she got cancer because she experienced a lot of fear and didn't love herself. Because of that she wasn't fully herself. Her soul cried that it coudn't manifest its beauty through her body. With me it was the same. When I loved my sensitivity and saw it as a beautiful gift I could finally be fully me. And I cured myself.
I thank God for the beloved friends who stood in my way and helped me to recover: Jonette, Ewa, Paulo, Aga, Magda, Kasia, Anna Sandra, Iftach, Shachar, David and my wondeful parents Krysia and Marek. Without you all, the healing wouldn't be so quick.
With Love & Light,
Kasia form Poland